When I sat down to write my last post announcing our pregnancy I started to include these thoughts along with it. I ended up erasing it all and keeping it a simple, happy announcement. How long have I sat there dreaming about the day I would get to announce MY pregnancy? A long time. I figured I would give myself a pass and allow myself to fully cherish that moment.
The truth is though, there are many other emotions that have come along with finding out that we are pregnant. As I’m sure you know, I only recently opened up about our journey of infertility. Because of that, I have been able to connect with so many of you who have gone through infertility and many who still are trudging through the depths of it.
One of my thoughts shortly after getting that positive test was, why in the world did I just open up to the world only to finally get pregnant shortly after?? As you can imagine, it’s not exactly easy to throw out there something so personal not knowing how anyone will react. Thankfully the reception it received was overwhelmingly positive and so so encouraging to me. But still. What if I had just waited a couple of more months? Then I could just pretend like none of that ever happened. Right?
After those thoughts came the overwhelming sense of guilt. I felt (occasionally still feel) guilty that it happened for us with everyone out there still longing for this exact thing. That was unexpected. But after hearing so many similar stories and sharing thoughts, struggles and tears I felt like we were in this together. And now all of a sudden I’m graduating out feeling that I’m leaving so many behind.
It also didn’t help when I told a friend the exciting news and her response was “Wow! I feel like that was really fast!” Speechless “Sally Sue (name changed for her protection) has been trying FOREVERRR” Ouch doesn’t begin to describe it. To be fair, I had only really opened up to her about it all in the middle of our second medicated IUI. So how was she really to know. But that drove home the guilt that had already planted itself deep inside.
I’ve tried my best to not let it taint the sheer excitement and happiness I’ve been feeling. Some days that’s very hard. There are friends and acquaintances I’ve dreaded telling about the pregnancy because I KNOW how it feels. I know exactly what it’s like to hear yet another person is pregnant. I know how it feels to see another bright pregnancy announcement. I know how it feels to hear someone talk about how sick and awful they feel and silently pray to be the one huddled over a toilet.
So, I’m striving for balance.
I’m working on balancing the excitement of a first pregnancy after infertility with continuing to root for the others. I’m learning I can be thrilled for myself while at the same time I can grieve with another. Know that I am praying for you, cheering you on, and still shedding tears for you.
My hope is that my story can be an inspiration and encouragement for others. I pray that our success story might give you the hope that you need today, or tomorrow, or years from now.